Category Archives: Fed-Up Hulk

Incredible Hulk’s Talk Radio Program, Episode 3

August 3, 2012 stevestatham 3 Comments

In celebration of the Incredible Hulk’s 50th anniversary, we’re providing transcripts from the Hulk’s 2 a.m. satellite radio talk show. Your host begs forgiveness for certain, uh, crudities found therein. Hey, he’s only the messenger. Previous episodes are here and here.

Hulk: Stupid producer, shut up. How many times does Hulk have to tell you not to rush Hulk when he is on phone with bookie? What? Yes, Hulk knows it is time to start radio show. Hulk can tell time. Big hand is on stupid number, and little hand is on even stupider number.

So now Hulk talks to puny humans. Listen, because Hulk knows what you want to hear. But let me talk first to stupid younger humans who don’t know anything. Ok. Hulk came to life during gamma bomb explosion 50 years ago. That was a pretty big deal. So now everyone wants to throw Hulk a party. You know what Hulk wants for 50 year party? To be left ALONE. Hulk hates parties. Hulk hates parties even more than he hates Banner. Hulk hates parties even more than Thor hates trip to barbershop.

Ha! Hulk made joke!

But no one listens to Hulk.

Iron Man flies overhead one day and asks Hulk to show up for special party. Hulk of course says no. “Hulk can’t afford to go to fancy parties,” Hulk says. “Hulk only paid union scale for part in Avengers movie, unlike some heroes Hulk could name.”

Then they send Dr. Strange, and Hulk tells magic weirdo to go pull rabbit out of hat. “Does Hulk look like he wants to stand in corner with watered-down margarita and listen to Spider Man’s jokes? Go away.”

Then they use dirty trick. They send Valkyrie and She Hulk to talk Hulk into attending party. Everyone knows Hulk has thing for Valkyrie, even if she doesn’t return Hulk’s calls. She always says “Cell coverage in Asgard is accursed, my friend. The Rock Trolls of Nornheim cast evil spells, and outages ravage the network.”

But Hulk has liked Valkyrie ever since he first met her long time ago. She smashed through a window ready to fight Hulk, shouting some gibberish Hulk not understand. But she’s pretty, and if Hulk not understand her, he not have to listen to her. Hulk likes not listening.

And as for She Hulk, she is supposed to be Hulk’s cousin, but Hulk still not clear on that family connection. Just because we were both created by gamma radiation doesn’t make us relatives. Hulk thinks she says that just so Hulk won’t put moves on her.

But sending two pretty super hero girls makes Hulk temporarily stupid and easy to trick.

First, Valkyrie appeals to Hulk’s brain.

“Verily, Hulk, wouldst thou have the world forget thy mighty exploits? Shall all your smashing go unremarked? Let us celebrate your many triumphs.”

Valkyrie makes good point. Hulk does not want people to forget his smashing.

Then She Hulk takes her turn, appealing to Hulk’s stomach.

“Oh, c’mon, you big lug. There’ll be cake. And beans, Hulk. Beans.”

Hulk likes beans, even if beans don’t like Hulk. Ha ha! Hulk makes another joke!

What could Hulk do? Two pretty girl heroes trick Hulk into going to party. So Hulk goes back to cave, puts on clean purple pants and follows girls. They take Hulk to Tony Stark private jet, and we fly to party.

It’s in ballroom 3 at a Marriott Courtyard outside Bakersfield.

Hey, don’t go crazy or anything, mister billionaire Tony Stark.

What? Ok, stupid producer says is time for commercials. Stay through break and then Hulk will finish talking about party.

< Commercial break: Promo for Amazing Spider Man movie>

< Commercial break: Promo for Dark Knight Rises movie>

Hulk: Oh, funny. Very funny. Does advertising department laugh when they cash checks?

Ok, puny human listeners, Hulk was talking about his big 50 year party disaster.

Hulk knows there will be trouble as soon as he walks through door. First, event is catered by Taco Bell, so there will be big crowd around food table. Do you know how many tacos the Thing can eat in one bite? Or the Rhino? May as well just back delivery truck up to mouth.

Second, Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic, is already drunk. Mr. Fantastic is supposed to be some sort of genius, but when he gets drunk he does stupid stuff like stretch his hand 30 feet to other side of room and pinches girl’s butts. Usually Hulk gets blamed.

So Hulk looks around room to see who else is invited and then slaps forehead. Hulk can’t believe they invited The Leader. Do you know Leader? He weighs about 120 pounds and has a giant gross head full of too much brains. Everybody hates him. He calls everyone “brainless buffoon” and then stamps little foot demanding world domination.

So there Leader is, standing at bathroom door, pounding on it and shouting “Brainless buffoon! Finish your vile eliminations so that more enlightened types may pass water!”

So door opens and out walks The Abomination.

Here is some truth for you, puny human listeners. Abomination is not called Abomination just because he is uglier than a bucketful of buttholes. He was named Abomination by the first person who followed him into bathroom after his gamma ray accident. So Hulk not recommend being next in line for toilet when Abomination is feasting on Taco Bell burritos.

Even superheroes stampede from open door when Abomination has been Abominating

the bathroom. But Leader is puny and weak and slow, and Abomination grabs him easily and gives him a wedgie, which Hulk admits is pretty funny. But Leader starts shrieking like baby girl and blasting mental bolts around room. Leader’s mental bolts are like laser beams that shoot out of his forehead. It sounds cooler than it really is.

Anyway, mental bolts confuse everyone, and heroes stumble around crashing into each other. Fighting breaks out right away. Captain America is fighting Cyclops, The Wasp is fighting Mr. Fantastic, the Absorbing Man is fighting Hawkeye and The Punisher is shooting his gun at everyone.

Hulk is standing in middle of room and everyone around him is fighting. They flow around Hulk like water around rock, but no one notices Hulk. Hulk is the strongest one there is, but he has no one to fight! At his own party!

Hulk looks in corner and sees even Valkyrie and She Hulk are fighting each other! But it’s a very strange battle. They are locked together like both are trying to overcome each other with bear hugs. They are so mad at each other they are even fighting with their tongues! Hulk not know why, but he can’t take eyes off this fight. Puny girls. Hulk could teach them about proper smashing.

What?

Ok, producer says Hulk has to call them “women” not “girls” or Hulk gets sent to another sensitivity training seminar. Why does world hate Hulk?

Oh, and worst part about party? Hulk not get cake.

Fed-Up Hulk

Incredible Hulk’s Talk Radio Program, Episode 2

February 11, 2012 stevestatham 1 Comment

(As we continue to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the creation of the Incredible Hulk, we bring you more excerpts from the jolly green giant’s satellite radio program. What follows is the opening monologue from the February 10 broadcast.)

Hulk: Ok, stupid producer, cut the intro music before Hulk smashes something. Who picked Hulk’s intro theme song, anyway? Sounds like it was recorded by Stan Lee’s secretary in a closet. And what does “ever lovin’ Hulk” mean? Bah. Hulk loves no one.

But that not what Hulk want to tell audience today. Hulk wants to talk about stupid Avengers movie coming out this spring. Hulk needs to get many things off chest. Puny humans come up to Hulk a lot lately, slap Hulk on back, and then say, ‘Hi Hulk. Glad to see you’ll be back on the big screen in the new Avengers movie! Good luck on your comeback.”

It takes all Hulk’s strength not to SMASH these people. Do you want to hear the real story about the stupid Avengers movie? Fine, Hulk tells you.

Hulk gets call from former agent about six months ago. “Let’s do a meeting,” he says. Hulk knows what it is about. Hulk reads internet, and knows big Avengers movie is coming. And how can you do an Avengers movie without Hulk? So Hulk agrees to meet agent at the Gilded Avocado restaurant in Hollywood.

Hulk arrives at restaurant and everyone gets up and runs away, screaming, as usual. Puny humans. Afraid to see Hulk in person for free, but will pay 10 bucks to see him in movie. So Hulk not waste time on talking. Hulk sits down across from agent and says, “Yes, Hulk agrees to appear in stupid Avengers movie. Make sure check goes to Hulk’s Cayman Islands account. But also this: Hulk wants his own trailer and masseuse. And definitely, Hulk not share a bathroom anymore. In Hulk’s last movie, the Abomination clogged the toilet so bad the producers had to call in Haz-Mat team. And then Hulk gets blame.”

Agent looks at Hulk with embarrassed expression on face and says, “Um, sorry Hulk if there’s been some misunderstanding. But they already cast the role of the Hulk. They gave it to Shia LaBeouf. His Transformers movies made over a billion dollars you know, and they wanted someone who can really open big. They’ll use state-of-the-art CGI to make him look just like you. You should be honored, really.”

SHIA EFFING LABEOUF! SHIA EFFING LABEOUF!

Hulk is too stupefied by this news to smash puny agent, so agent keeps talking. “But I called you here because I’ve secured a spot for you as a stunt double.”

Stunt double. Un. Be. Lievable. Real Hulk is stunt double for fake Hulk. Why does the world hate Hulk?

But Hulk has no choice. Hulk not like to admit this, but Hulk could use the money. Hulk’s Cayman Islands account has something like 12 dollars in it. Hulk’s financial advisor stole Hulk blind in the ’90s, so all hulk has is paycheck from this radio show, and a few bucks from appearance fees at comic book conventions, which is the worst way to make money in all the universe.

So Hulk is screwed again. Captain America gets a million dollars. Thor gets a million, even though he says he’s a GOD, and what do gods need with money? Greedy Iron Man probably got a million and a piece of the back end. Even weakling Hawkeye got a half-million. And what does Hulk get? Union Scale!

At first Hulk thinks he should tell everyone not to see stupid Avengers movie, but then again, Hulk did have some good scenes as stunt double. Once, Hulk was supposed to throw a fake punch at Thor, but whoops! Hulk slipped and hit Thor in mouth, sending him cart-wheeling over into the next block. Heh.

But Hulk swears, if his awesome scenes end up on cutting room floor, Hulk will smash every movie theatre in the country. And then he will smash Shia LaBeouf’s new Ferrari.

Fed-Up Hulk

The Incredible Hulk’s Retirement Job

October 14, 2011 stevestatham 1 Comment

I hate being last to note an anniversary. So let me take the lead in celebrating the 50^th anniversary of the first appearance of The Incredible Hulk. Yes, I know it’s still not quite 50 years, as The Incredible Hulk No. 1 came crashing onto those spinning comic book racks in 1962. I’m a couple months early. But the arrival of the Hulk comic book was such a momentous occasion in the history of Western literature that it will take the entire year plus some to properly celebrate.

I thought I’d kick off the celebration by catching everyone up on the Hulk’s current whereabouts. As you might expect, a half century of smashin’ stuff wears a body down. It’s not commonly known, but the Hulk has finally taken a desk job. He’s not entirely reconciled to the idea, but, well… judge for yourself.

And so, with apologies to Stan Lee and Herb Trimpe, here’s the transcript from the Hulk’s first day as a radio talk show host:

Hulk: Hulk is on radio? Good. Stupid producer, sit down. Hulk knows what to do.

So, welcome to Hulk Show on radio. You are probably wondering — why is Hulk on radio? And will he smash me if I don’t listen?

Here is the truth. Hulk tears Achilles tendon in battle with Doc Samson. And then Hulk gets in another argument with Thor, and stupid hippie hits Hulk in face so hard with Mjolnir hammer that Hulk’s head hurts for long time.

Hulk says, ‘Enough of this. Hulk needs sit-down job in air conditioning.’ So Hulk sends out feelers, and then satellite radio people call Hulk. They say ‘anyone who was famous for even 10 minutes can host a satellite radio program.’ So now Hulk has radio talk show host job. Puny humans, call me now.”

Caller 1: Hi Hulk! Long-time listener, first-time caller…

Hulk: This is Hulk’s first day on radio.

Caller 1: Er, yes. Big fan from way back. Anyway, Hulk, I’m worried about my mutual funds. My broker tells me I should diversify into more developing Asian markets, but I don’t know….

Hulk: Puny human. Hulk not care about stupid problems. Hulk wants to smash something.

Caller 1: So you’re saying I should be more assertive?

Hulk: Why is this hard? Hulk sees problem, Hulk smashes problem. Smash broker, and then call Hulk back. Ok, Hulk takes another call.

Caller 2: Hi Hulk! Hey, I have a bet with my buddies down at the bar that I hope you can settle. Are you strong enough to smash the federal deficit?

Hulk: (15 second dead air) Hulk smashed Abomination, and Rhino, and… lots of others Hulk can’t remember right now. Deficit monster is bigger than all of them. But yes, Hulk can smash. Hulk knows secret of deficit powers. Is all caused by puny human congressmen and their appropriations bills. Hulk can surely smash puny congressmen and appropriations bills. But then stupid American humans just vote in more congressmen and appropriations bills, and Hulk would have to be smashing forever. Stupid humans. Why can’t you leave Hulk alone? Smash deficit monster yourselves.

Caller 2: Thanks Hulk! If you ever decide to fight the deficit, I’ll definitely buy the pay-per-view!

Hulk: That good call! Hulk not smash puny human. Ok, next caller, talk to Hulk.

Caller 3: Hey, Hulk, Is it true you and Bruce Banner are the same…

Hulk: BANNER! HULK HATES BANNER! WHEN HULK FINDS BANNER HE WILL SMASH HIM INTO BLODDY PASTE! THE MADDER HULK GETS, THE STRONGER HULK….

<Commercial break>

Hulk: OK, Hulk is back. Hulk’s stupid producer says if Hulk smashes any more equipment, it comes out of Hulk’s paycheck. Hulk listens. Hulk may be green, but he’s not made of money.

Producer also says now is time for interview. Hulk’s special guest today is Doctor Strange. Doctor Strange used to be Hulk’s friend in Defenders supergroup. Then lots of other stuff happened. And then Hulk had to crush all the bones in Doctor Strange’s hands during World War Hulk. Ha Ha! No hard feelings, Hulk hopes.

Strange: haha no hard feelings Hulk.

Hulk: So, welcome to show. Hulk understands Doctor Strange has new book out?

Strange: Yes, Hulk. It’s called “Using Everyday Magic To Create a Better You.”

Hulk: Hulk hates books.

Strange: Er, yes, but…

Hulk: Books have words, and words are always lies. LIES! Why does everybody lie to Hulk, Doctor?

Strange: (under breath: By the dread Dormammu…) I am not lying to my readers Hulk, nor to you my friend. I’ve tried to give as much truthful information as possible in a way that will help people navigate the shoals…

Hulk: So, if Hulk reads book, will Hulk have enough magical powers to crush Dr. Strange?

Strange: Er, no, Hulk. I am the Master of the Mystic Arts, after all. This is just basic introduction to help people develop a positive life-force…

Hulk: YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER THAN HULK BECAUSE HULK HAS NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Strange: Please, calm down, Hulk.

Hulk: OK, Hulk is CALM. But Hulk really hates self-help books. They sit on the bookshelf and nag, nag, nag at you until Hulk just wants to smashsmashsmash (deep breath). Although they do make big money, which Hulk respects. What’s next for Doctor Strange?

Strange: Well, Hulk, after sending the completed manuscript to my publisher I retired to the Astral Plane for months of cleansing meditation. And now I’m eager to begin my book tour. The tour kicks off at the Borders in Austin, Texas, at The Domain shopping center.

Hulk: Ha Ha! Doctor Strange doesn’t read business section very much, does he?

Strange: I’m sorry?

Hulk: No Wall Street Journal delivery in Astral Plane, eh?

Strange: Um, the rivers of time flow at different rates between the Earth and the Astral Plane, but I don’t quite follow….

Hulk: Don’t worry Doc! You are Master of Mystic Arts! You will figure it out! Hulk thanks Doctor Strange for coming on show to promote stupid book. And be careful shaking hands on book tour! Hulk wouldn’t want doctor’s delicate bones to ache. Ha Ha! Hulk likes jokes.