(As we continue to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the creation of the Incredible Hulk, we bring you more excerpts from the jolly green giant’s satellite radio program. What follows is the opening monologue from the February 10 broadcast.)
Hulk: Ok, stupid producer, cut the intro music before Hulk smashes something. Who picked Hulk’s intro theme song, anyway? Sounds like it was recorded by Stan Lee’s secretary in a closet. And what does “ever lovin’ Hulk” mean? Bah. Hulk loves no one.
But that not what Hulk want to tell audience today. Hulk wants to talk about stupid Avengers movie coming out this spring. Hulk needs to get many things off chest. Puny humans come up to Hulk a lot lately, slap Hulk on back, and then say, ‘Hi Hulk. Glad to see you’ll be back on the big screen in the new Avengers movie! Good luck on your comeback.”
It takes all Hulk’s strength not to SMASH these people. Do you want to hear the real story about the stupid Avengers movie? Fine, Hulk tells you.
Hulk gets call from former agent about six months ago. “Let’s do a meeting,” he says. Hulk knows what it is about. Hulk reads internet, and knows big Avengers movie is coming. And how can you do an Avengers movie without Hulk? So Hulk agrees to meet agent at the Gilded Avocado restaurant in Hollywood.
Hulk arrives at restaurant and everyone gets up and runs away, screaming, as usual. Puny humans. Afraid to see Hulk in person for free, but will pay 10 bucks to see him in movie. So Hulk not waste time on talking. Hulk sits down across from agent and says, “Yes, Hulk agrees to appear in stupid Avengers movie. Make sure check goes to Hulk’s Cayman Islands account. But also this: Hulk wants his own trailer and masseuse. And definitely, Hulk not share a bathroom anymore. In Hulk’s last movie, the Abomination clogged the toilet so bad the producers had to call in Haz-Mat team. And then Hulk gets blame.”
Agent looks at Hulk with embarrassed expression on face and says, “Um, sorry Hulk if there’s been some misunderstanding. But they already cast the role of the Hulk. They gave it to Shia LaBeouf. His Transformers movies made over a billion dollars you know, and they wanted someone who can really open big. They’ll use state-of-the-art CGI to make him look just like you. You should be honored, really.”
SHIA EFFING LABEOUF! SHIA EFFING LABEOUF!
Hulk is too stupefied by this news to smash puny agent, so agent keeps talking. “But I called you here because I’ve secured a spot for you as a stunt double.”
Stunt double. Un. Be. Lievable. Real Hulk is stunt double for fake Hulk. Why does the world hate Hulk?
But Hulk has no choice. Hulk not like to admit this, but Hulk could use the money. Hulk’s Cayman Islands account has something like 12 dollars in it. Hulk’s financial advisor stole Hulk blind in the ’90s, so all hulk has is paycheck from this radio show, and a few bucks from appearance fees at comic book conventions, which is the worst way to make money in all the universe.
So Hulk is screwed again. Captain America gets a million dollars. Thor gets a million, even though he says he’s a GOD, and what do gods need with money? Greedy Iron Man probably got a million and a piece of the back end. Even weakling Hawkeye got a half-million. And what does Hulk get? Union Scale!
At first Hulk thinks he should tell everyone not to see stupid Avengers movie, but then again, Hulk did have some good scenes as stunt double. Once, Hulk was supposed to throw a fake punch at Thor, but whoops! Hulk slipped and hit Thor in mouth, sending him cart-wheeling over into the next block. Heh.
But Hulk swears, if his awesome scenes end up on cutting room floor, Hulk will smash every movie theatre in the country. And then he will smash Shia LaBeouf’s new Ferrari.