In celebration of the Incredible Hulk’s 50th anniversary, we’re providing transcripts from the Hulk’s 2 a.m. satellite radio talk show. Your host begs forgiveness for certain, uh, crudities found therein. Hey, he’s only the messenger. Previous episodes are here and here.
Hulk: Stupid producer, shut up. How many times does Hulk have to tell you not to rush Hulk when he is on phone with bookie? What? Yes, Hulk knows it is time to start radio show. Hulk can tell time. Big hand is on stupid number, and little hand is on even stupider number.
So now Hulk talks to puny humans. Listen, because Hulk knows what you want to hear. But let me talk first to stupid younger humans who don’t know anything. Ok. Hulk came to life during gamma bomb explosion 50 years ago. That was a pretty big deal. So now everyone wants to throw Hulk a party. You know what Hulk wants for 50 year party? To be left ALONE. Hulk hates parties. Hulk hates parties even more than he hates Banner. Hulk hates parties even more than Thor hates trip to barbershop.
Ha! Hulk made joke!
But no one listens to Hulk.
Iron Man flies overhead one day and asks Hulk to show up for special party. Hulk of course says no. “Hulk can’t afford to go to fancy parties,” Hulk says. “Hulk only paid union scale for part in Avengers movie, unlike some heroes Hulk could name.”
Then they send Dr. Strange, and Hulk tells magic weirdo to go pull rabbit out of hat. “Does Hulk look like he wants to stand in corner with watered-down margarita and listen to Spider Man’s jokes? Go away.”
Then they use dirty trick. They send Valkyrie and She Hulk to talk Hulk into attending party. Everyone knows Hulk has thing for Valkyrie, even if she doesn’t return Hulk’s calls. She always says “Cell coverage in Asgard is accursed, my friend. The Rock Trolls of Nornheim cast evil spells, and outages ravage the network.”
But Hulk has liked Valkyrie ever since he first met her long time ago. She smashed through a window ready to fight Hulk, shouting some gibberish Hulk not understand. But she’s pretty, and if Hulk not understand her, he not have to listen to her. Hulk likes not listening.
And as for She Hulk, she is supposed to be Hulk’s cousin, but Hulk still not clear on that family connection. Just because we were both created by gamma radiation doesn’t make us relatives. Hulk thinks she says that just so Hulk won’t put moves on her.
But sending two pretty super hero girls makes Hulk temporarily stupid and easy to trick.
First, Valkyrie appeals to Hulk’s brain.
“Verily, Hulk, wouldst thou have the world forget thy mighty exploits? Shall all your smashing go unremarked? Let us celebrate your many triumphs.”
Valkyrie makes good point. Hulk does not want people to forget his smashing.
Then She Hulk takes her turn, appealing to Hulk’s stomach.
“Oh, c’mon, you big lug. There’ll be cake. And beans, Hulk. Beans.”
Hulk likes beans, even if beans don’t like Hulk. Ha ha! Hulk makes another joke!
What could Hulk do? Two pretty girl heroes trick Hulk into going to party. So Hulk goes back to cave, puts on clean purple pants and follows girls. They take Hulk to Tony Stark private jet, and we fly to party.
It’s in ballroom 3 at a Marriott Courtyard outside Bakersfield.
Hey, don’t go crazy or anything, mister billionaire Tony Stark.
What? Ok, stupid producer says is time for commercials. Stay through break and then Hulk will finish talking about party.
< Commercial break: Promo for Amazing Spider Man movie>
< Commercial break: Promo for Dark Knight Rises movie>
Hulk: Oh, funny. Very funny. Does advertising department laugh when they cash checks?
Ok, puny human listeners, Hulk was talking about his big 50 year party disaster.
Hulk knows there will be trouble as soon as he walks through door. First, event is catered by Taco Bell, so there will be big crowd around food table. Do you know how many tacos the Thing can eat in one bite? Or the Rhino? May as well just back delivery truck up to mouth.
Second, Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic, is already drunk. Mr. Fantastic is supposed to be some sort of genius, but when he gets drunk he does stupid stuff like stretch his hand 30 feet to other side of room and pinches girl’s butts. Usually Hulk gets blamed.
So Hulk looks around room to see who else is invited and then slaps forehead. Hulk can’t believe they invited The Leader. Do you know Leader? He weighs about 120 pounds and has a giant gross head full of too much brains. Everybody hates him. He calls everyone “brainless buffoon” and then stamps little foot demanding world domination.
So there Leader is, standing at bathroom door, pounding on it and shouting “Brainless buffoon! Finish your vile eliminations so that more enlightened types may pass water!”
So door opens and out walks The Abomination.
Here is some truth for you, puny human listeners. Abomination is not called Abomination just because he is uglier than a bucketful of buttholes. He was named Abomination by the first person who followed him into bathroom after his gamma ray accident. So Hulk not recommend being next in line for toilet when Abomination is feasting on Taco Bell burritos.
Even superheroes stampede from open door when Abomination has been Abominating
the bathroom. But Leader is puny and weak and slow, and Abomination grabs him easily and gives him a wedgie, which Hulk admits is pretty funny. But Leader starts shrieking like baby girl and blasting mental bolts around room. Leader’s mental bolts are like laser beams that shoot out of his forehead. It sounds cooler than it really is.
Anyway, mental bolts confuse everyone, and heroes stumble around crashing into each other. Fighting breaks out right away. Captain America is fighting Cyclops, The Wasp is fighting Mr. Fantastic, the Absorbing Man is fighting Hawkeye and The Punisher is shooting his gun at everyone.
Hulk is standing in middle of room and everyone around him is fighting. They flow around Hulk like water around rock, but no one notices Hulk. Hulk is the strongest one there is, but he has no one to fight! At his own party!
Hulk looks in corner and sees even Valkyrie and She Hulk are fighting each other! But it’s a very strange battle. They are locked together like both are trying to overcome each other with bear hugs. They are so mad at each other they are even fighting with their tongues! Hulk not know why, but he can’t take eyes off this fight. Puny girls. Hulk could teach them about proper smashing.
Ok, producer says Hulk has to call them “women” not “girls” or Hulk gets sent to another sensitivity training seminar. Why does world hate Hulk?
Oh, and worst part about party? Hulk not get cake.